Mrs Smith goes to Tesco

I spent much of yesterday evening compiling a shopping list.  Everyone added their wants and it seemed pretty comprehensive.  In the morning Mr Smith added a few late entries including coleslaw. "Don't forget to get coleslaw unless you want to die" was the general vibe. I decided to try Tesco as I've never been there before; I'm a Sainsburys girl.

It was a sunny morning when I set off  for Tesco with the car roof down at one with the exhaust fumes of Roehampton Vale.  I pulled in to Asda.  Oh bugger.  I came out of Asda and, narrowly missing a bus, rejoined the A3.  I then remembered that I had left the shopping bags at home. Then I couldn't find Tesco.  It was marked Superstore which is ridiculous as it is very far from super.  I eventually found it and parked my lovely car across two bays as is my wont.  Oooh, I say, free trolleys.  I know trolleys are always free but you usually have to pay a  £1 ransom and then not leave them strewn about the car park with gay abandon.  It doesn't seem to matter here.

I then lost my shopping list - just as well I've got a good memory.

I then went into the shop.  OMG it's enormous.  But where is the food? Unless you happen to be oriental absolutely nothing looks vaguely familiar.  However, tempted though I was to run back to my car and drive away, curiosity got the better of me. I bravely ventured beyond noodles and I did my shopping which took ages because I couldn't find anything.  The people who looked like Tesco helpers armed with guns and a poor understanding of English were absolutely useless.  I didn't like to press my point for fear of being shot although acting out rhubarb to someone from the Congo in aisle 17 did make me lose the will to live.  The man in a bate in wines wasn't any better.  He didn't know what wines they did or didn't have and didn't care.  He told me most of the staff are part time, they are shunted from pillar to post, given no training and everyone hates their job.  So glad we had that little chat; it made me feel much better about my first shopping expedition in Tesco!

Eventually a man in suit came to my aid as I was looking befuddled in nuts.  He was the Customer Services Manager - ooh goody, just the chap. Over the pistachios he explained that the armed personnel are actually doing home delivery shopping for all the people like me who just can't cope with sodding Tesco, and their guns read the prices.  They don't know where anything is because they have sat nav to guide them to each product and never learn from it.  They also do the shopping at the speed of paraplegic snails and steal quite a lot of stuff.

I told the Customer Services Manager that investing in their work force would be a good idea.  He agreed with me that the Customer Service is shocking and said that is why he shops at Waitrose!  Well, I think I might too.

When I eventually got to the front of a mighty long checkout queue I couldn't find the magic card, the one Mr Smith pays.  Thank goodness, in a mad panic, I found the replica in-case-of-emergency card.  Phew.  I got a 5p off petrol coupon - how exciting.  I also caught a glimpse of that Customer Service Manager's relieved expression as I left.

I spent a while looking for my car.  I thought I might have to call on the services of that Customer Services Manager again but it wasn't that difficult to spot due to its unique parking.  I found the list in the car and, amazingly, I had actually done very well.

I had to go to Krispy Kremes for a consoling donut but this is really because I got lost and needed to turn round in their car park.  Whilst I was there it suddenly occured to me ... I'd forgotten the coleslaw.