Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Cupcakeuccino



I did not make the silicone cup ... one day I will and it will be edible.

I bought these brilliant cups, in which you cook your cupcakes, a while ago which lead me on a search for the perfect coffee cupcake recipe and, with a bit of tweaking here and there, I think I've cracked it.  You have to watch it with cupcakes as they have a tendency to be very dry and your poor guests gag on their sawdust novelty cakes.  Then there was the dilemma of whether to make plain butter icing or coffee cream .... oh the trials of my life.

Today is the last day of studentdom for the Student son.  He is coming home .... groan.  I love him dearly but do I also love twenty bin bags of crap, a bed, bean bags, stinky food, an old freezer, a never once used hoover (oh that could be useful), miscellaneous pieces of furniture that are all falling apart because they have been put together in a can't-be-arsed manner, broken crockery, unmatching cutlery, rusty saucepans, a revolting rug and a vast box of cables?  I am going to collect him and all his rubbish and clean the flat before handing the keys back to the agents with a sort of "I did my best" expression.  I have such an awful cold, the only advantage of which is I can't smell anything.  












Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Welded to the one you love

Every now and again I have admit Mr Smith is right.  It hurts to do so.  Welding appears to be quite an expensive and somewhat impractical hobby so I have decided not to turn the spare room into a forge after all.  I'll stick to cake making as my irritating messy hobby and, in a defeatist fashion, buy some metal obelisks for my beans and peas as I've found some cheapies on line for about £12 each (plus VAT, P&P, petrol to go and get them from some far off depot as they waited til I was out to deliver them).


 What I would like .............  and what I've ordered

My cold has got stinkier and I didn't sleep a wink all night.  I am exhausted and very bunged up.  Mr Smith looks a trifle fatigued too.  My goodness it is hot - so stuffy with no breeze and a sky full of thunder. Please rain.  I would attach the water butt to the downpipe but I'm too ill and it's too hot.  I'll just have to attach a hose to Mr Smith and send him off around the garden.

Got your Olympic tickets?  We have.  This gives me a whole year to practice a vaguely interested expression on my face whilst sitting through an arse numbingly boring day of decathlon.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Death by Salad

I cannot say my rotten selfish children never give me anything; I have the Apprentice's cold.  I greeted Mr Smith on his return from France with a streaming nose, ghastly headache and raging sore throat.  I really am not much fun to come home to.  He brought weird things back from his travels.  I asked for some Fraise liqueur but instead got a bottle of green banana liqueur and a couple of things that look like loo cleaner: blue curacao and something bright orange.  Maybe they will cure my cold.  He had also bought cider, ah now that's a bit more like it.  I note it is Brittany cider which seems a bit odd as he was in Normandy - oh, it was on special offer.

The student says he has definitely got salad poisoning and is going to die.  I explained the hazards of drinking too much alcohol as I have never known him to eat salad, ever.  He wants to know whose seeds I use in my  garden in case he accidentally eats a vegetable when he comes home - without doubt Thompson & Morgan down to the last chive.  Everything is growing so beautifully I think we might have a medley of first borns for Vegetarian Tuesday.  It'll be something like cabbage leaves with three mangetouts, two broad beans and a teeny french bean on a small cauliflower.  Oh so exciting.  Mr Smith looks at their non uniformity suspiciously and mumbles about them being far cheaper and easier to procure from Sainsburys.  Yes, I know.



I am trying to find a welding class.  I quite fancy myself with an oxy acetylene torch in the back bedroom running up a few fancy wrought iron structures for my vegetable growing.  It doesn't matter if they are a bit bish as they're only for me and my beans.  Mr Smith sighs.  "They're not that expensive at the garden centre and they're all uniform."  He just doesn't get it.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Stand by your lits

He comes back tonight ....  Mr Smith avec his golf clubs from his golf tour in France.  I have to remember to ask him "How was golf?" then listen with feigned interest to "Fatty had a birdie and Snooty had an under par" (or something) when what I want to ask is "What have you bought me?"  I also have to hear what they ate every day and not give a return account of our fare of pizza, popcorn and cupcakes. Anyway, in anticipation of his grand return from the Continent I have cleaned la maison.  It sparkles ... in bits.  I haven't ventured up to the boys' hovels of horror but I have polished and hoovered and put things away so I will never find them again.  And I have designed and prototyped several new cupcakes which now have pledge sprayed all over them - oh well, we like them shiny.
                                             work in progress - yet to be perfected.

The Apprentice went out last night and never reappeared.  Although this is a bit dull as I have to empty the rubbish myself, I always think "oh how lovely he's meeting a wife" when in fact he's got such an awful hangover he can't stagger home from his mate's house/police cell.

We get the Student home this week and the rest of his clobber.... forever.  We have a mighty mound in the hall.  I have dealt with the putrifying laundry and the horrible kitchen items but I know they have friends who will follow shortly.  I feel tired just thinking about it.



 

Friday, June 24, 2011

Hold the cupcakes

I have had to ration myself in cupcake production.  Firstly, because things are just too sticky and, secondly, because it's a bit of a waste of time - productive procrastination -and then of course there is the slight worry that the house is filling to the brim with cupcakes.  Just one more .... please.  No, I'll clean my house instead.  Well I would but I can't find the hoover.  I haven't seen it since Mr Smith left for France.  Maybe he took it with him.

I have done all the laundry - a considerably quicker task when Mr Smith is away as it can just tumble away for hours on end instead of this pegging out malarky for which one is marked for presentation (socks paired together etc.) and efficiency then it rains.  Vive la France.

I gardened today.  Despite being planted in the shadiest spot, my sunflowers are doing well.  Despite the sluggiest spot, my courgettes are thriving.  In fact my vegetable garden is a maternity unit of loveliness.  The cauliflowers are having babies in their little nests of leaves, the broad beans are so wee and perfect and the peas are at mangetouts size.  Grow my children, grow ... then I can eat you!!!

                                                             Plastacine garden

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Les Pantelons de Mr Smith


Mr Smith has gone to France, (I think it was France) in tres silly pantalons.  Anyway, he is away somewhere for a few days playing le Golf leaving me in cupcake heaven about to design another three.  Oh this is fun.  When Mr Smith goes away I usually have a few really messy days with no sleep - I can read all night long and make things.  I then have a mad rush around tidying and cleaning just before he gets back until I am absolutely shattered!  I see nothing different occuring this trip.  I have started with some stripey cupcakes and a very sticky bombsite of a kitchen.

                                                                             Parasol





Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Juxtaposition of Art and Icing

I am visiting the RA today to see the Summer Exhibition with my mother-in-law.  I am really pleased to be going, of course, and seeing Saint Rita (my m-i-l) as well as gleaning inspiration for own efforts, but I have urgent business at home.  I am trying to achieve the perfect piped rose on a cupcake.  Actually I have managed one (see below) but not four matching.  I have now consulted You Tube and am delighted to find I am doing it right even if I do get a bit side tracked by cats swimming with dolphins or people showing me how to crochet or pop a spot or cut all their hair off.  There's some weird stuff out there and some terrible show offs!  Anyway, enough of staring at the little screen as it's time to cram myself into some item of respectable clothing, wave goodbye to Mr Smith and go and be pretentious.


A rose by any other name would taste as sweet

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Floribunda Deliciosa

                                                         
I am trying to paint but em er nothing much has happened.  However, I have designed a new cupcake.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Surfing

The tea cosy fitted Arty Antonia's teapot a treat, which was just as well as I think she would have broken off the spout to get the tea cosy on the pot such was her enthusiasm.  I took her cupcakes but wish I'd done more.  Really any less than 12 is just not worth it, especially if I eat most of them.  I now know.

Oh how it rained at the seaside.  I sat and drew the view of the stormy sky and sea from my window for hours and hours.  Waves are awfully tricky; they keep moving.  I want silly waves not perfect ones.  Just when I thought I'd got it a bit right kite and wind surfers appeared and they don't stay still either. I could take a photo but Mr Smith has confiscated the camera, mean git - well, to be fair it is his.  My phone was dead and, anyway, it takes awful pictures.

I went shopping in Chichester yesterday where I bought a camera and a gorgeous hat that folds up.  I am so pleased as I really thought I was going to have to wear a tea cosy to Goodwood.  I also bought a very smart jacket that I then wore to Scouser Tony's birthday party where I put in a fleeting appearance.  I was dying to get home as I had a new cupcake design I wanted to work on and I was missing my dog ... oh, and Mr Smith of course.  Cupcake wars on telly today ... somewhere in the deep trawling of high numbered Sky channels between the shopping channels and the porn.  We don't subscribe to those; Mr Smith is far too mean.

I am suddenly feeling very creative and, after I have tied up the beans and peas into little pyramid arrangements like Rachel's and picked the strawberries and made them into a pudding, I will paint a painting or at least make a start.  Rachel has inspired me. Royal Academy Summer Exhib this week;  I will pop along to Burlington House and see how to do it better, or differently, or with more determination. Then go back to my daubs.  I think I might be burning some midnight electricity this week before I dash back down to the seaside again.  I love it there.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Ascot Hat?


I finished the tea cosy I was making for Arty Antonia so I can go to her house and have tea with her - often.

How do Daleks eat?

Ever since we got that water butt, with the impending hosepipe ban in mind, it has done nothing but rain.  I was supposed to cut a bit out of our downpipe and insert the water butt pipe but I haven't got round to it and now it's raining ...again.  I thought the instructions said to cut away 30cm so I carefully measured 30cm and sent the Apprentice off for a saw.  On closer reading I discovered it was 30mm - Oh my God.  Thank heavens I didn't make a start or there would have been a ghastly dilemma involving much gaffer tape and Mr Smith asking if it's supposed to be like that.

As I came out of the hairdressers yesterday I saw the oddest thing. In Macdonald's window there was a lady in a burka.  I had to stop and look as I wondered how on earth she was going to get that macburger under her tent.  Answer: she didn't.  She was only feeding her wailing children - probably screaming because they wanted to see their mother.  It really is a most sinister garment.

As a change to cupcakes I have made rock cakes - they're delicious.  I will now make cupcakes to compensate.  I feel some new experimental ones coming on and, as it's raining so hard, I need a nice rainy day project to cheer me up.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Tea for Two, Me and Me


This is my most recent teapot, bought for me by Mr Smith as he broke my boring, but eminently practical, white one.

We now live in a CPZ.  What on earth is a CPZ?  Aha, it's a Car Parking Zone.  Mr Smith had a mad Mrs Smith type of economy moment.  Having refused to buy an annual parking sticker for £150, he decided to save money by digging up our front lawn and paving it so he can park his car on it.  I told him this would be quite expensive and not actually a saving. "Rubbish", he said.  I estimated about three and a half grand if we did it ourselves plus £1,500 for the council to do the run off into the road. "Tosh".  So he called in Drives R Us or someone and guess what?  It was in excess of £10,000.  Ha ha ha.  Just pay the £150 you eejit!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Happy Birthday, Apprentice

The Apprentice son is twenty five today.  Good grief, when I was 25 I was married; he's still arsing about trying to figure out what to do with his life - currently an Apprentice electrician.  I think he's going out tonight - I'll eat the rest of his birthday cake.  Mad Carina bought me a giant cupcake mould and here is the result.  Actually, it tastes a lot better than it looks - must just have another bit.  It seems to have shrunk to less than half the cake. I bet Mr Smith remarks on how much is missing.  I'll have to pretend lots of people came to tea.  I'll say we had a little birthday party, well, quite a big birthday party and they were all starving and ate big slices of cake.


Monday, June 13, 2011

Mr Smith's pot

I promised you a glimpse of Mr Smith's teapot ... so here it is:-


He also has the whole creepy crawly tea set.  This pot has a rather alarming small cockroach inside the lid.  Our vicar is very fond of this tea set.  He says quite a few of the parishioners serve him a cucumber sandwich with the crusts cut off but absolutely nobody can beat me on whackiness of china.  He is also rather partial to my cakes (3 slices last visit) but I am so glad he enjoys them.


Sunday, June 12, 2011

Mad Carina's Mad Teapot


I don't do ceramics but, if I did, this is what I would like to make.  I bought it for Mad Carina a few years ago and she treasures it - at the far back of a cupboard!  I bought it in North End Road from a lovely cafe that has sadly, like so many small establishments everyone loves, closed down.  They used to serve your tea in these pots with matching cups which I thought was just so whacky as well as most refreshing after a slog with my shopping trolly along North End Road market.  I shall look out for more cafes with fun china.

My tea cosy project has gone horribly wrong.  I rang M-C to complain.  Although she is my ex-sewing teacher I still keep her on hand just in case.  It tends to go along the lines of  "M-C, I want to make something or other and I don't know how."  She is so kind and never says "That's a shame because I'm not telling you."  She gives me clear instructions which I ignore and botch it all up then have to call her with "Help, it's all gone horribly wrong and it's all your fault."  I'm such a dear friend.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

And another one


This horror was bought for me by Mr Smith last Christmas and, although I absolutely hate it, I was so chuffed that he thought outside the box a bit and gave me something so whacky,  I treasure it ... in the deepest recess at the far back of the cupboard.

So inspired by silly teapots, I have decided to make a tea cosy.  I was going to knit one but I haven't got any yarn and I can't really be bothered so I am going to make a patchwork tea cosy.  If it is really successful this will be my prototype and I will make them for Christmas, probably starting on Dec 24th as usual!  I can't actually get into the sewing room as it is brimful with ironing.  So I have to do the ironing as a punishment then start sewing as a reward for my arduous labour.

I am going to Glorious Goodwood next month for which I need a hat - oh no.  I think all my hats have ended up in school dressing up boxes or charity shops.  Oh well, if I get on with it, I could wear my tea cosy.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Teapot of the Day

Drove down to Bognor with a few cupcakes, as one does, to see Arty Antonia.  She's really nice and just so arty.  Her house is full of lovely funny kitsch and amusing things such as a sparkly madonna and shoes up the walls and a never ending collection of teapots. Not to be outdone, I thought I'd show you that I too have teapots (two).  That is I have two silly ones and a few sensible ones too.  Mr Smith is quite a teapotty chap and I will show you his .... another day.  Today's teapot comes to you via The Lovely Claudia who bought this for me last year and I absolutely love it.



My yesterday evening's entertainment was deinfesting the seaside flat of moth.  I had to close all the doors and windows (or deinfest entire South Coast), set off a bomb and run away then return after three hours, by which time I had excelled at the pub quiz and got a bit squiffy.  It was a bit scary, the bomb I mean, not the quiz or slight drunkness - a bit like a hand grenade.  All for a few very small moths.

Mighty Moths


Thursday, June 9th

A dash down to the seaside today where I am to be greeted with carpet moth.  Apparently, according to my cleaners, the little bugs are munching their way through my bedroom carpet.  I have sent off for the full eradication kit which has just arrived.  It looks rather serious and includes a facemask and gloves and three different lotions and potions for my carpet and room.  Do you think I need a full protective suit and wellies .... for a few little moths?

I am hoping to see Arty Antonia today in Bognor (aka Rolls), drink tea and hear all about the happenings of "A Graceful Death" - her work, not a euthanasia session with cupcakes.  Go to www.antoniarolls.com for more info.  Consider yourself replugged, Rolls.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Pardon mon regime

I have thrown in the serviette.  I simply cannot bear one more mouthful of the Dukan diet.  Yes I know it's just meat, fish and eggs and revolting yoghurt but I am beginning to gag.  I do get vegetables every other day but I never remember if it's a veg or non veg day and all this damned protein is making me feel unwell and sluggish.  I've lost so few pounds it simply isn't worth the denial of all things nice.  So pardonez moi Pierre Dukan but it just ain't for me.

In celebration here's what I made:
Approx 400 cals each.
Yeah!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Splash

Here's one of my favourite things to do - swimming in the rain.  It's one of those things you weren't allowed to do when you were young, in case you got wet(?) The water feels so warm compared to the rain and some poor minion at the poolside has to don a cagoule and watch me swim which adds to my enjoyment, especially if he shivers a bit.  Actually, I wasn't going to swim outside in the rain but some fat bastard came and swam in my bit of the indoor pool despite the rest of the pool being free - how antisocial - so I got out and abandoned my boring ups and downs and behaved like a duck in the outdoor pool.  I didn't quack but I did splash a bit as it was only me.  I then had to perform a towel dash and a warm-up in the steam room where Fatty B was sweating away.  I gave him a withering look which soon shifted him.  Actually, it was probably just the sight of fat me (though not as fat as him) with mad hair and chlorine red eyes, rather than the mad stare, that frightened him off.

I am so bored waiting for my vegetables to grow.  Hurry up, I want to eat you. Mr Smith has started equating their cost and has now added the recently acquired water butt bringing the total up to no less than £5 per broad bean (not whole pod but individual bean).  I am going to have to buy heaps of frozen vegetables, empty them into clear plastic bags and pretend throughout the whole winter that we are eating my produce.  He'll never know, especially if I throw in the odd caterpillar.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Water shortage

It never rains.  Despite my best efforts my garden is wilting and the lawn looks like the plains of the Serengeti in the dry season. I've been on and on at Mr Smith to buy a waterbutt so we can fill it before the hosepipe ban.  Maybe I can store our grey water in some clever way and use it to water the vegetables and flowers so they don't all die of drought. Yesterday, at last, he bought me a very chic waterbutt with little tap and stand - just the thing.

 It's raining.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Something Fishy

God how I hate the diet I am on.  This is why I am wholly delighted to see Rose Prince's column in the Telegraph yesterday that reported a diet guru war between Dr Dukan (my man) and J M Cohen who claims the diet is unhealthy.  Actually, between you and me it is not; it is tremendously healthy with a massive emphasis on no fat or sugar or carbs or nice things.  No, it's all sensible meat, fish, eggs and a few veg.  Shame, because I thought crisps dipped into hummus was just the thing as my pre-lunch snack whilst I eyed up a pork pie and left over fruit crumble in the fridge.  The Mother of the Bride is apparently a Dukanee (although the woman doesn't look as though she ever needed to lose a pound).

I have suddenly developed a loathing for fish.  I have tried all sorts of different fish lately; those with and without bones and I am sorry but I find you all revolting.  I had prawns and smoked salmon salad for lunch and it was vile. Yesterday it was small plaice on the barbecue - potentially divine as it went from the man's net at the seaside straight into my freezer -  but yuk, it tasted of fish.  I know when I eat delicious fish it is firstly cooked by someone else and secondly in never less than 8 oz of pure dairy butter, or batter, or a gorgeous creamy sauce. Fish is also hideously expensive.  I am having salmon for dinner but I hate farmed salmon because all it does in its life is sit in a tank eating other salmons' poo and, because I know this, I can taste it.  I want to eat salmon caught by the Queen Mother (no, actually, that might be a bit smelly), or someone who might have been to school with her grandsons, from the Dee or Tay or Tee or Tum. I have a feeling the cost would be only marginally less than mermaid per pound.

I now need chocolate in serious quantities to remove the taste of fish from my palate.  Good this diet, eh?

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Exploding cakes

I am revelling in the news that the MoD are replacing How to make a Bomb instructions on the internet with cupcake recipes.  I am surprised I haven't been asked to contribute.  I hope this doesn't in turn mean cupcake recipes are replaced with bomb instructions ..... then add gelignite icing and stand well back.


And here's one I made earlier - The bin Laden.

Friday, June 3, 2011

To Park or Not to Park

I bought a very smart dress yesterday from TK Max, a shop I dislike and usually cross the street to avoid but there was this one lovely dress so I bought it.  It doesn't fit.

Our street parking arrangements are changing next week from free parking to community chest.  My early morning Corrie viewing in bed (via the super new internet connection) was interrupted by Mr Smith brandishing bits of paper at me; I had to fill out a form and pay vast amounts of money for a parking permit.  You need every last bit of documentation to prove it's your car and you are who you are and not some mate coming to park their car at your house; though why anyone would want to park here is beyond me as nobody does now, other than residents of the street.  A bit short o' dosh are we Wandsworth?  So I had to leave Weatherfield, and my bed, to find my reg.doc. and driving licence (still proud owner of tatty bit of paper), cheque book, pen and will to live.  Mr Smith has decided not to pay the parking fee and never leave his car here at peak times.  That's all very well but what happens when he's away?  I am not driving his car round Richmond Park for a couple of hours in the morning and again in the afternoon in order to avoid a parking ticket.  Honestly, it's only £120 - just pay it you mean old scroat.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

School's out Forever

The Apprentice and I have been watching Britain's Got no Talent avidly every night.  This is because I am sewing the Bayeux Tapestry and the Apprentice is working early shifts and is very tired so we just need brain mulch at the end of our day in the background.  The Apprentice bought me a Bayeux Tapestry kit last year after a visit to guess where? Bayeux.  I made a start but my horses look like dogs and the boat looks like a big caterpillar.  I think that's how it's supposed to look so I am having another stab at it with my needle.  Ouch.

Mr Smith is back from Scotland ... with no gift. "What did you want, woman, Scottish shortbread from Heathrow Airport?"  Well, I wouldn't have minded - I wouldn't have known they weren't from Scotland.

Today is Parents' Day |(Degree Show) at the Student son's University and, seeing as this is the last of these things we will ever have to attend, I am dragging Mr Smith along too.  He can see what he's paid for over the past three years.  At long last our children are educated (?) The end. Wheehee.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Hit the Road (to heaven) Jack

Next door's fire was actually next-but-one's inferno.  A student had burnt her toast and the property is automatically alarmed to summon the fire brigade at the whiff of smoke.  Oh what fun.  I'd burn toast every day and get to know all the fireman on first name terms.

Mr Smith is away in Scotland playing tiddlywinks as usual.  (Golf in really stupid trousers actually).  With our lovely new internet connection and no Mr Smith I can watch BBC iPlayer into the small hours in bed.  I am very tired and will be quite crotchety by the time he comes home.

RIP Jack.  You were a lovely little dog, Internet Dating Jane's lovely little dog whose life sadly ended on Saturday;  I will miss you heaps.