Our dog used to have a wonderful big bushy tail. I was proud of his tail. When spaniels arrive they have tails like tightly furled umbrellas which gradually open out and fluff up, especially with a bit of help i.e. pulling and preening by their owners. Our dog's tail got rather lean when he had a skin ailment but with some pills it was restored to full brush again but, of late, it has been getting skimpier by the day until he has but a few wisps and a bald patch showing at the end which is a bit embarrassing. I was going to cut some bits off his very furry ears and glue them onto his tail but, in the end, I took him to the vet. "Aha, yes. Bring him in tomorrow and we'll do some tests. That'll be £250." Good grief, two hundred and fifty pounds for a new tail? I do not want to let Mr Smith know that I cancelled the insurance last month because it was so stupidly expensive. I do not want Mr Smith to know the dog is at the vet's. I volunteered for the morning walk. "Where's the dog?" "Oh he met some friends and has gone for breakfast at their house. He'll be back later." I thought that didn't sound particularly convincing so I told him the dog has been kidnapped, or rather dognapped, and we will probably have pay a ransom to get him back. I've told him I'll phone the police later.
Mr Smith is designing little posters for the Common. MISSING: Fat smelly dog with bald tail.
I now have a whole dog free morning; it's like having a little holiday. I will hoover then go and collect him and tell Mr Smith the good news. "I've found the dog, but I had to pay the dognappers £250 to get him back."
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