Ghostbusters

Gosh, ridding my house of these infestations of pests (one mouse and one wasp and one student) makes me feel invicible. Mr Smith looks on admiringly as I trap my fingers in the mousetrap yet again. It ain't easy setting a mousetrap without it snapping shut at the vital moment. The wasp was simply disposed of using the rolled up newspaper technique and the Student disappeared when told it was Vegetarian dinner.

Mr Smith brought me flowers. Mr Smith did not buy me flowers - don't be daft. These were delivered to his office by a client and, instead of passing them to the office staff, Weedy Chris or Greedy Kelly, he gave them to me who was mammothly chuffed. It is a mighty bouquet in hideous shades of bright yellow but they look Eastery and give me great cheer.

Exciting things to do today: Meet Kate Middleton to assure her prewedding nerves are usual for all young brides. I remember our wedding day with Mr Smith looking absolutely terrified but I assured him it would all be fine and just look at us 26 years on. Handsome princes comes in all shapes and forms .... at least you've got a real one.

Real things to do today: Plant out dwarf beans, courgettes and mangetouts in their newly prepared beds. OOOh eck where on earth am I going to put the leeks? It's all getting a bit congested what with Jamie Oliver Barlotto beans doing really well and taking over the whole vegetable garden. That Jamie Oliver does get everywhere and I'm getting a bit fed up with his ugly mug on everything I look at. Watch out Jamie, I am getting rather good at exterminating pests these days.