Dear Mary

Last night Sensible Alison and her husband, Presuming Ed, came to dinner.  It is lovely having your oldest and bestest mates round because you can be relaxed ... except we never are because I always aim to serve them a ridiculously over the top dinner with all the whistles and flutes.  This simply means I cook a medley of impossible things that push me to the limit and I am always absolutely exhausted by the time they arrive. Then I have a sip of something lovely like g&t or champagne and weehee I am up and running again. If only one had staff. There was a bit before dinner when I sat down and just said "I don't think I can be bothered with dinner, it's cremating away in the oven but I am just going to sit here and chat for a bit" but the billows of black smoke came issuing forth from the kitchen so I had to go and see what the staff were up to.  They'd gone home. Mr Smith did the vegetables.

The menu: Just to make your mouth water and be grateful you didn't have to cook it:-
Fish filo parcels with creamy wine sauce;
Duck breast in red wine sauce with potatoes, sprouts and green beans;
Profiteroles.

Dear Mary Berry,
In your cookery book you state 1lb of salmon and 8oz prawns are required for 8 little 7" parcels.  Have you actually cooked this you stupid old bat?  I went all the way to Asda to get more fish as Supermarketman had only bought a minnow's worth of salmon which, actually, would have been quite sufficient.  I hate you now and am going to tell Delia and I don't want your book The Great British Bakeoff for Christmas any more.  Please find enclosed all the extra fish.
Yours sincerely,
Mrs Smith

P.S. You say serve the profiteroles with chocolate sauce but give no recipe .... anywhere in the book.  I made  something up which was far too rich and gooey. Mmmm ..... Oh I mean horrid.  No, don't wash up the plate.

I am waiting for the imaginary staff to come and clear up.  Such a long wait that I dozed off whilst doing the crossword and woke up with biro scribble all over the duvet.  Now they'll have to launder the sheets as well.