Bidding for bedding

I have been banished from the marital bed - something about this infernal coughing annoying Mr Smith.  It's lovely; a bit like being on a little holiday.  I am under the beautiful new duvet cover I bought in France and it really is exquisite - all expensive and elegant - not like our boring old John Lewis standard issue linen next door.

I got Designer Susan to bid up the quilt on ebay in the last hour.  It ended at £49 with the gentleman at the back from Hampstead.  Well, he wasn't at the back but you know what I mean.  Actually, he was on automatic bidding which means he had pre-set an amount to which he was willing to go but we didn't know what it was.  I thought it was probably £50 but Susan reckoned it was more likely to be £100.  We will never know as we chickened out.  I thought I might deliver the quilt to him today as he has what looks like a very beautiful Antique Quilt shop that is screaming for a visit from me.  I'll take my mother-in-law with me; she needs an adventure.

I am meeting Mrs Smith Mother of Mr Smith at the Royal Academy to go to a boring Degas exhibition that will be completely packed with the tweedy from the country all barging to get a better view of tedious ballet dancers.  This is the first time I have been out for ages but I think I am just about well enough.  Mother Rita is a woman of panic.  She firstly got into a great big panic because she lost her tickets so she went all the way to the Royal Academy to get them reissued yesterday then she had another panic about me bringing the quilt with me as it will be too big to leave at the cloakroom as they don't take large parcels and will it be too big for me to carry round with me?  No it won't as it's a neat little package; but I didn't tell her that.  If it isn't the size of my extra enormous, terribly heavy double quilt that's going to keep her awake, it will be something else like whether her bus will break down on the way and make her late so we won't be able to go into the exhibition because it's timed tickets you know.  Yes I do know because she managed to get the busy time when all the coachloads arrive.

Today is Show Down Day when Mr Smith rides into town with both guns at the ready.  He is meeting with his  ex-partners to sort out a favourable settlement from his sacking to include plenty of money and a retained interest and all his clients and a consultancy fee and a bit extra and some more.  Then he can shoot them all.  Actually, Mr Smith is a bit weedy so I hope he does stand up to them and get his full whack.  I'll tell his mother - that'll make her calm!  I have got her over the "Whatever are you going to do?" phase by explaining that I am not a woman entirely without means and her son has earned about enough to pay the milk bill for the past two years.  Anyway, we are off to flog a quilt so we can afford to turn on the heating when she comes for Christmas.